10 Year Eve

It's the night before we celebrate 10 years without our Lilliana Grace.
10 YEARS!
I am pretty sure I thought this day would never arrive. I can appreciate the question now, "Where do you see yourself in ten years?"
Would I have seen us here ten years ago? I don't think so.
Ten years ago I was waking up to a room of friends and family that were immediately by our side when we shared the news we had lost our third child.
 Ten years ago I was watching my husband rush around the hospital room making plans for a funeral and memorial service for our little baby.
Ten years ago I started sobbing at the reality of my milk coming in and not having a newborn baby to feed.
Ten years ago I sat through a memorial and burial service for one of my children.
Ten years ago I went home to a house with two little toddlers that kept me busy while recovering from a c-section and smelling nothing other than boquetes of Star Gazer Lily's.
 Ten years ago I cherished every summer day I had with my husband, son and daughter, trying not to take them for granted.
Ten years ago, I worked through sitting in a year's worth of Sunday church services trying my hardest to make it without too many tears.
Ten years ago, I had to work through my body healing, our lives going back to looking like a perfect little family of four, while my heart was still so tender and my arms ached to hold my baby girl just one more time.
I have so many memories from ten years ago...
Looking back to all of my memories as if I am on a tall hill and watching the years unfold piece by piece I see...
God molding me, healing me, strengthening me and covering me with his grace.
I see him holding me on the hard days and giving me his truth so I could have good days.
I see hundreds of friends and family by our side, supporting us the best they can and doing it well.
I see our family living our life day by day, celebrating Luke and Olivia's birthdays and watching them play together so well.
I see the joy of us adding Annelyse to our family and yet soon after Evangeline Lilly.(Who was named in honor of her sister)
I see us laughing, making memories and most of all, surviving until bedtime.
I see our family cherishing each year without Lilliana Grace.
I see moments where we showed our children who God is and why because of Lilliana.
I see time and time again God molding us to who he wanted us to be ten years later.

Some might say, "Wow, you are so strong."
What I hope to be said is, " Wow! Your God is so GREAT!"

It is not by any of my strength that I can be here, ten years later and be able to thank God for our sweet blessing. It is all because of God's goodness, grace, kindness and power! Our hope is in Christ. He was there the day before we lost Lilliana, He was there while we were losing Lilliana and He has been there every day since.
Was it hard? YES! Did we have bad days? YES! Did I find myself in tears just hoping for a moment more or to see what she was like with open eyes or a stretch? Most definitely! Do I still struggle with being triggered into memories that make me replay the whole day we lost her? Of course. But I have two choices. 1) I can get angry and resentful of losing our precious baby girl  or 2) I can trust God that he only gave us what was best for us and this plan for our lives was always the best plan.
I am so thankful for all I have been taught because of losing Lilliana Grace. For ten years I have struggled with sharing our loss with others and having them say, "I am so sorry." I totally understand why they say that but what was and is always hard for me is that I don't want to have them be sorry. Mainly because I have seen all the benefits of how much God has taught me through this pain. My eyes have been opened and I see just how good of a Father in heaven we have. Do I give my children good things? YES! Do I love them? ABSOLUTELY! Do I sometimes not give them things they really want or expect to get because they need to learn something or because I am doing what is best for them or even just because I am the parent and they are my child? Yes.
God is my Father. Lilliana was a good gift to us. But God knows what is best for us even when we do not get the good things we think we should receive. And in all of that I know that God still loves me and is a good, good Father.
So, ten years later, I can be joyful. I can laugh, I can love and I can see the goodness in all of our hard days, aching moments and unanswered dreams.
Tomorrow we get to celebrate Lilliana Grace and her short life and all we have embraced for 10 years!

 "For I know the plan I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Gentle Reminders

3 1/2 years. 

There are days that go by where I have to stop and think to remember the day that we lost a child. It's like an 'ah- ha' moment. Like, 'oh yeah, that did happen to us.' 

Then there are days where all I do is dream and try to picture our little girl running around and playing with her brother and sisters. Wondering what it would be like to have her here.
 We stopped by her grave just yesterday and as we left I confessed to Rog that I have times where I find myself trying to 'fill the space' of where her life would be. Times where I will donate a gift and instead of donating 4 I will donate 5. Times where I dream of adopting a child about her age so that our birth order stays the same. Doing whatever to keep her a part of our family.

Then there are days where I stop and stare at her picture to see if I can see her siblings in her. To see if by chance she looks different from the last time I studied every inch of her face. To see if I missed something from the last time. Looking at her and thinking of her as a 'sweet kiss'. 

And then there was tonight. I must say I haven't had a moment like this in quite a while. Dare I say years.
I was going through our family pictures and came across the ones of her from the hospital. I looked them over and thought the same as before. How precious she was. But then I opened each individual picture and saw one of her lying in a Moses basket. All alone. What seemed to be peaceful but yet I had a sudden urge to reach through the picture and pick her up to comfort her. Even typing this makes my eyes flood with tears that I can not describe. All I wanted to do was hold her, comfort her, kiss her. Maybe it is because all I have been doing these last 7 weeks is the exact thing to her baby sister. Maybe it is because as I was looking at her picture her baby sister was sleeping just as peaceful in the bassinet next to me. Or maybe it is because I just read an article today about a mother who was 20 weeks pregnant with her twin girls and did not want anything other than to abort them. A decision I can not begin to understand. 
I do not know why I had that instant urge to hold my little girl that has been gone for 3 1/2 years. That feeling  when you are dreaming where you go to grab something and you just can not get it into your reach or hands. That frustrating feeling where you feel every part of you wanting something so badly yet there is nothing you can do to get the urge to go away. So much so that it makes your body ache and you feel like you have been holding your breath.

It's as if I am being tempted with the thought that God does not care for me. That he is keeping something good from me. That he does not know what is best for me and my family because if he really did then I would have a 3 1/2 year old running around. I guess I am seeing that pretty clear right now because just about 2 minutes before breaking down over her picture I thought of Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The verse that carried me through the valley and the verse that puts a spring in my step almost every day. So why all of a sudden at that moment did I forget? Almost as if I forgot what my face looked like after walking away from a mirror. He gives me nothing but GRACE and as soon as I turn my head it was as if I forgot. Either that or it is a mother, longing to hold a child she once carried but every time she thinks of it, it is as if the dream gets farther and farther away from her reach. That or it is a moment that happens so that I can run to my Father, remembering all that he has blessed me with, thanking him for every moment and memory, because, for me, all of it is the absolute best for my life. Her short life and everything about her was the very best thing. FOR MY GOOD. Pondering on that brings me comfort. A comfort that only brings me the peace that my Lord can give to me. For that, I am thankful and excited to see what else he will teach me through the life of my precious Lilliana Grace. A baby that I believe was given to me to open my eyes to TRUTH. To GRACE. To LOVE. A love that only God can give.

3 1/2 years and I am still being taught through the same experience. All because there are moments when I forget.

Remembering at Christmas

This was our third Christmas we went over to St. Joe's Hospital to put up our ornament for Lilliana.

Everyone met together on the second Monday of December and after receiving a text at 7pm that night asking if I was attending, I realized we forgot all about this event. I was in tears. (not completely but could have cried my eyes out if I let myself.) I was fighting against the thought that we do two major things a year to remember our little girl and on this day, I was so busy with dinner, baths, homework(everything that involved my other children) and anything that made the bedtime routine on time, that I completely forgot about the tree ceremony.

Immediately, Rog and I agreed to make our way over the next evening to have our own decorating time.

We also enjoyed taking time to look at the ornaments on the tree and thinking of all the babies that have been lost along with the families that hurt every year like we do.

And after, we enjoyed spending time together taking pictures.

Our special time at Christmas where we can remember our daughter/sister while enjoying time together as a family.

A night that was special even after missing the original tree ceremony. Almost made it better that we were there with just the six of us.

3 YEARS

Well, another year has passed making the time I was able to hold my precious 3rd child slip that much further away. 

I do miss those moments so much and if I could hold her over again I am not sure I would let her go. 

It is thinking on those moments that then I look over and see the other precious three blessings I have and see all the good that is around me. 

Today was a special day. Not too much hype but just enough time with my children and husband to make the day special. 

It started off with a trip to the zoo with a friend. 

It was such a perfect day for the zoo and the kids really enjoyed it.

Going with Julia and her kids today was pretty special. 

I am not sure I have said this to her before but I think it every time her daughter is with me and my kids.

Her daughter is 3. 

4 months older than what Lilliana would have been and she is petite so for some time now I see her running and playing with my kids and thinking this is what my life may have looked like. *grin*

She is a blessing to me and makes me smile when she is around. She is such a cute little girl and the things she says some times crack me up.

After the zoo, we ate dinner at home and gathered our 'gifts' for Lilliana and spent some time together.

Luke was the balloon holder.

Liv was my decorator.

And Lyse? Well, we just let her stand there and look cute. *wink*

Rog was in charge of getting the balloons this year and I think he did a pretty good job!

I didn't ask Luke to put his arm around his baby sister, he's just sweet that way.

We each held a balloon and after the tradition of counting to three, we let them go.

They went in a different direction this year. 

South. 

Which was nice for a change.  

Maybe it will make it to some of our southern family and friends? *wink*

After the balloon release we stood around, played and tried to get Lyse to give up her balloon.

I guess she is a bit young to understand that we give her that balloon so she can let it go, not play with it.

(What kind of a mother am I?)

She finally agreed and gave in.

I never thought I would have to do this for one of my children. Even still, everything must be perfect. Just as if I were dressing the girls and doing their hair. It must be in line, in place and just how I think it should be. Without looking like there was too much effort put into it.

(crazy, but it's one of those mental things that is hard to get around)

A bit more playing and being silly...

...With a few more family pics.

We miss you Lilliana Grace! We talk about you OFTEN and I make sure your brother and sisters know just how special you are! You are a gift from God that we will get to enjoy later. A blessing and a testimony of God's Grace. A gift that makes me treasure the children I have to take care of and a gift that reminds me that no matter what may happen in life, God's Grace is SUFFICIENT! Even in the unthinkable moments. The moments we wish would never happen. But often in those moments my eyes are opened to all of the good blessings. Even you, my 3rd child, might just be the greatest blessing I could have received. God has used you to show me so much and for that I am so thankful.

Mommy and Daddy love you sweet girl!

O Daughter of Mine

For some reason. Memories just swarm over me.

Why is it we always want what we just can't have?

"Lord, help me to stand firm on your promises. Help me to feel your grace and know that our little girl, who is yours, is right where she needs to be."

Celebrating 2 years

Today was such a sweet day!
It's amazing how God gives us just enough Grace to get us through the day after all of the fear that leads up to a moment that has so many unknowns.

This day went just the way I hoped it would.
We spent the day as a family of 5. Woke up, did what we needed to do and ran out the door to start our Memorial Day.

We started it off by heading out to Frankfort and visiting with my doctor and her husband. However, when we got there we were only greeted by Dr. Intili's husband because she was paged to delivery.
Even still, our time with him was so enjoyable. They are in the works of opening up a gelateria (an Italian dessert place) and asked us out to try some samples. Let me just say that it was AMAZING!!! We were told that today's samples were the WORST they will ever taste and that was shocking because it was so delicious! I could talk for an hour on this place but will say more about it after it's open! It will be a place I gladly take all of my friends to. *smirk* Oh and Rog and I both said it was better than ice cream and that is saying a LOT!

After spending two hours with Dr. Intili's husband we headed over to the hospital to see Dr. Intili along with delivering pies to the nurses and giving the Ped's floor stuffed animals. 

After our visit, we then headed over to the party store to buy balloons so we could spend some time at the grave.

It was a full day but it was everything on my list to make it just the perfect day.

The kids were given a chance to test out the remote control trains that ran around the store.

It was so neat. There were whistles, bells, smoke and so many details put into this place it would take me forever to tell you.

It was a nice experience to have Annelyse with us this year.

It was like we were introducing her to a part of our family she's never known.

A big sister she will learn about every year and hopefully learn to understand the Joy and Blessings we have learned from her.

We let the kids run for a bit while we looked around

And Annelyse stayed busy by chewing on my necklace.

Once again, today was such a sweet day and it was so nice to be with our little family today.

Not having a clock to watch and keep up with but just enjoying the day with the traditions we have started.

The Lord is so kind and gracious and I am so thankful he gave us this special time to stop and reflect on his goodness even if the reality is that we go to a grave to celebrate our childs short life.

It has brought us close to so many and I am excited at how he will continue to work in my life and those I come in contact with.

HE IS ALWAYS AT WORK AND ALWAYS HAS A PURPOSE FOR ALL HE DOES!