10 Year Eve

It's the night before we celebrate 10 years without our Lilliana Grace.
10 YEARS!
I am pretty sure I thought this day would never arrive. I can appreciate the question now, "Where do you see yourself in ten years?"
Would I have seen us here ten years ago? I don't think so.
Ten years ago I was waking up to a room of friends and family that were immediately by our side when we shared the news we had lost our third child.
 Ten years ago I was watching my husband rush around the hospital room making plans for a funeral and memorial service for our little baby.
Ten years ago I started sobbing at the reality of my milk coming in and not having a newborn baby to feed.
Ten years ago I sat through a memorial and burial service for one of my children.
Ten years ago I went home to a house with two little toddlers that kept me busy while recovering from a c-section and smelling nothing other than boquetes of Star Gazer Lily's.
 Ten years ago I cherished every summer day I had with my husband, son and daughter, trying not to take them for granted.
Ten years ago, I worked through sitting in a year's worth of Sunday church services trying my hardest to make it without too many tears.
Ten years ago, I had to work through my body healing, our lives going back to looking like a perfect little family of four, while my heart was still so tender and my arms ached to hold my baby girl just one more time.
I have so many memories from ten years ago...
Looking back to all of my memories as if I am on a tall hill and watching the years unfold piece by piece I see...
God molding me, healing me, strengthening me and covering me with his grace.
I see him holding me on the hard days and giving me his truth so I could have good days.
I see hundreds of friends and family by our side, supporting us the best they can and doing it well.
I see our family living our life day by day, celebrating Luke and Olivia's birthdays and watching them play together so well.
I see the joy of us adding Annelyse to our family and yet soon after Evangeline Lilly.(Who was named in honor of her sister)
I see us laughing, making memories and most of all, surviving until bedtime.
I see our family cherishing each year without Lilliana Grace.
I see moments where we showed our children who God is and why because of Lilliana.
I see time and time again God molding us to who he wanted us to be ten years later.

Some might say, "Wow, you are so strong."
What I hope to be said is, " Wow! Your God is so GREAT!"

It is not by any of my strength that I can be here, ten years later and be able to thank God for our sweet blessing. It is all because of God's goodness, grace, kindness and power! Our hope is in Christ. He was there the day before we lost Lilliana, He was there while we were losing Lilliana and He has been there every day since.
Was it hard? YES! Did we have bad days? YES! Did I find myself in tears just hoping for a moment more or to see what she was like with open eyes or a stretch? Most definitely! Do I still struggle with being triggered into memories that make me replay the whole day we lost her? Of course. But I have two choices. 1) I can get angry and resentful of losing our precious baby girl  or 2) I can trust God that he only gave us what was best for us and this plan for our lives was always the best plan.
I am so thankful for all I have been taught because of losing Lilliana Grace. For ten years I have struggled with sharing our loss with others and having them say, "I am so sorry." I totally understand why they say that but what was and is always hard for me is that I don't want to have them be sorry. Mainly because I have seen all the benefits of how much God has taught me through this pain. My eyes have been opened and I see just how good of a Father in heaven we have. Do I give my children good things? YES! Do I love them? ABSOLUTELY! Do I sometimes not give them things they really want or expect to get because they need to learn something or because I am doing what is best for them or even just because I am the parent and they are my child? Yes.
God is my Father. Lilliana was a good gift to us. But God knows what is best for us even when we do not get the good things we think we should receive. And in all of that I know that God still loves me and is a good, good Father.
So, ten years later, I can be joyful. I can laugh, I can love and I can see the goodness in all of our hard days, aching moments and unanswered dreams.
Tomorrow we get to celebrate Lilliana Grace and her short life and all we have embraced for 10 years!

 "For I know the plan I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11