STUCK!

I feel like I have had way too much going on to post anything lately (well, that AND because I went to post over a month ago and saw I was out of picture space so I've been staying away from blogger world) but I am hopefully back and ready to update!

Today has been such a comforting day.
We are stuck in the house, sharing a nice, blizzard evening in with the family. Even if we wanted to go somewhere there is just NO WAY possible to get out!
Isn't God so gracious to force us to be with family. It's almost like he was making EVERY family enjoy some family time for a day or two.
Our family enjoyed playing games tonight after dinner. Such a fun time being able to sit and relax and know that there was nothing else to keep us occupied than each other. The laughter and playing was so refreshing after weeks of routine and business!

I will update with pictures as soon as I figure out how to buy more picture space! *wink*

Blessed!

I must say, I am SO BLESSED!

For having children.

For having tender hearted children.

Children that like to play together.

Children that have shown nothing else but complete love for their new little sister.

Luke sat here with Annelyse for about 10 min. and only gave her up because I told him it was Livy's turn.

He holds her and looks as if he has done this everyday for the last few years.

Liv is pretty much the same way but gets tired of Annelyse alot faster than Luke does.

After about 5 min. of holding her, Liv was trying to pick her up and scoot her off her legs cause she was done.

Good thing I was next to her or Annelyse might have ended up on the floor.

I am sure once Annelyse starts moving around, Liv's role of big sis will kick in and she will have a better time with her little sis.

Not sure yet if that will be a good or bad thing.

Annelyse seems so comfortable in her siblings arms.
As soon as they take her she either stares at them in awe awaiting their smothering kisses and hugs or she drifts off to sleep as if she were being held in secure arms.

These 3 little ones are such a blessing to me and I love being their mother!

I have now been home alone with them for a few days now and even though the 'new normal' is being figured out, I am loving the challenge!

This is one of my roles and I am ebracing every moment.

Yes the laundry lies around a few extra days, the dishes pile up from a few meals, toys are left out all over the house, my bathrooms desperately need cleaned, floors need mopped, the vacuum could be run and my eyes burn most of the day but that all shows me that my family has clothes to wear, we have plenty of food to eat, my kids are able to play, I have enough work to keep me busy and I have a precious little child that I am able to take care of all night long!

The lack of sleep could easily be looked at as an area of complaint but lose a child earlier than what you expect and those times are now cherished and welcomed.

Don't get me wrong, I have had my moments of feeling pity for myself due to being so tired these last few weeks but God quickly reminds me of all the nights I longed for waking up to a hungry, crying child that I so desperately longed for and would have given anything to have her back in my arms at 3 in the morning.

I love being a mother!

I love staying home with my children!

I love all the moments!

Stressful, entertaining and challenging.

I'd like to think that all of these moments are training me so that one day, when this role is finished, I can help another new mother that is going through some of these same challenges and be able to encourage them to see their trying moments as a blessing and not as a punishment.

God is so GOOD!

I.

A mother of these little ones,

am TRULY BLESSED!

During EVERY moment.

LILLIANA'S FIRST YEAR CELEBRATION

Sunday was absolutely perfect!

I couldn't have asked for a better day.

Everything worked as planned and nothing had a delay.

Just perfect!

I am sure most mothers stress about their child's first birthday party and this was no exception.

I could cry at the thought of how perfect God allowed this day to be for us.

To start off our day, we woke up and dressed for church.

In place of going to Sunday School, we headed over to Lilliana's grave to spend some time alone as a family.

Of course, the kids had to stop at the fun little toys next to Lilliana.

I caught Luke and Livy waving goodbye as we left.

 I am so thankful to have these two!(have I mentioned that lately?)

After our visit, we had to make a stop to pick up our 30 pink birthday balloons for after church.

After church, my family, along with some that we wanted to share this day with, met us at Lilliana's for a special time of rememberance.

First on the list was making sure everyone had a balloon in hand.

I was just thrilled that Dr. Intili felt it special enough to join us for the celebration.

I loved watching the kids.

They all kept their balloons until it was time.

They all really did a great job!

This picture might be one of my absolute favorites!

On every balloon, we attached a verse and a little saying about what we were doing.

Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

This verse has really gotten me through this year and speaks so much truth to me everytime I begin to wander.

The back read,

Lilliana Grace Merritt, May 30, 2009.

She was born into the arms of Jesus and will forever be cherished.

And, of course, we attached a picture of a Lilly with our city and state and an email address to see how far our balloons will have traveled.

After the balloons were passed out, Rog said a few words and prayed.

We attempted to take a family picture before we released the balloons but all I could think of was some balloons would fly away before we all were ready.

I wasn't all that focused.

Sure enough, one got away.

And finally!

1

2

3

And nothing better than to have fun with each other after the balloons were sailing.

When everything was finished, we packed up and headed out to a restaurant. All 27 of us.

After all, what's a celebration without a meal right?

We headed back home after dinner only to change our clothes and get the kids settled.

Rog's parents were kind enough to watch Luke and Liv so that we could pay a visit to my nurses and say thank you by taking them a few yummy pies.

All of the nurses meant so much to me that week I was there and I have never forgotten all they did!

I also had a bit of sympathy for them because the day Lilliana died must have been a hard day of work for all of them.

 At the time, Lilliana's death was sudden, unexpected and tragic.

 All we knew was that we just didn't make it to her in time after a few hours of a perfect scenario.

Rog and I said our thanks and headed back home for a nice peaceful evening with our children.

Along with ice cream to end the evening!

(would there be any other way?)

***ONE MORE THING***

This has truly been a year of trial, sadness and grief but it all has been pushed away by joy, peace, love, grace, happiness and blessings!

In our Sunday service, Rog was asked to reflect on our year of suffering and in that he spoke of goodness that came from Lilliana's death.

He had a list of ten but one of them that is evident right now is that without Lilliana passing, this might have never happened!

I wouldn't have this pregnancy and my very dear friend  Ang might have never of gone to Dr. Intili to help them have a child of their own.

A few weeks before she found out they were expecting, Ang and her husband were starting the adoption process because they were always told they couldn't have children.

Looks as if God had other plans to show how Great and Mighty he is along with showering his blessings all over our lives!

He truly is Great and if you can't see that by this post or by any post that talks about Lilliana's story then I might have to say you might be blind or lying to yourself.

God has truly given me peace about Lilliana's death and it's not because I am now expecting our fourth. It's because he has shown me that this is the absolute BEST for all!

Because He knows the plans for me. Plans to prosper me and not to harm me.

Plans to give me hope and a future! How can I know that and not be overjoyed!

"I thank you Lord for all you have done this year. I thank you for Lilliana and for revealing yourself to me through her life. I am so blessed to see your Grace and to feel your constant hand upon me! Without your love I would never make it on my own."

Overwhelming Grace

I feel as if my eyes have been opened.

Most of you should know by now that when I put a post on my blog, I am usually showing my heart and emotions on my sleeve. You get my true thoughts.




Brace yourselves...




Lately, I look at my children and want to cry. I feel I am just so blessed.

For about two weeks now, I watch my children and have a wave of contentment stream over me.


About 5 years ago, all I said, wanted, longed for, was a baby, another and another, another and possibly yet another. I didn't care how many I had as long as it was MANY.


 Ok.so, I did care.


I knew, from an early age, that all I felt called to do was to be a wife and a mother. NOTHING ELSE!


Up until just a few short weeks ago, I felt as though I would never be content until my 'number' of children was accomplished. I struggled with the thought of how I would 'make up' for Lilliana and how my number of children was cut short due to my now, high risk state.


I am not sure when it hit me exactly, but it was as if God opened my eyes to show me that He is in control of how many children I have and it makes no difference if I have 2, 3, 7 or 12. He will give me just what I need and allow me to treasure just what I have.


Luke and Olivia are such a blessing to me and I don't think I would ever have seen it this clear if he didn't take Lilliana from us. He did that at just the right moment and even though I have many moments and days of dreaming of our family of 3 children,I love that He is giving me the grace to be content with what I have.
Anything more than the children I have would be just an added blessing and joy.

I am so thankful to all of you who have been praying for me and my family these last 10 months. I feel as though God allowed all of you on this journey with us for added comfort.
God is so gracious, kind, overwhelmingly good and faithful! His plan is constantly unfolding and through the pain, He holds out his healing hand.


I am just overjoyed with the blessings God has given to Roger and I.


Luke-very sweet, gentle and kind hearted.


Olivia - cute, loving, sneaky and a fire cracker.  I wouldn't have it any other way.(some days)


Lilliana - From what I knew- mild, precious and here to show me God's Grace.










And our precious gift due this fall:

That's right! An added blessing and joy that has just overwhelmed me!


Please don't stop praying for me, this child and my family. I am fearful, excited and thankful that God has given us this time to trust in Him. A thousand times more than I feel I have ever done with a pregnancy before. Or, with anything in my life for that matter.
I am His, this child is His and He will do what he pleases.
All for His Glory.
 I don't want to forget that.

Seriously! Thanks to ALL who have kept me and my family in their prayers this last year! I still need them so please don't stop.

Always in HIS HANDS!

These last few days have been completely overwhelming.
These last few weeks have been an emotional rollercoaster while dealing with a family matter.
And, of course, our last 8 1/2 months has forever changed my life.


I have just been overwhelmed with emotions that I can do nothing else but Pray to my God for HELP! I need strength, grace, peace, contentment, joy, that only HE can provide.


Because of these three experiences, I have realized that I can control nothing on my own. All I can do is control how I respond to what is going on around me.


I have said this before and truly believe that God has me in his hands and has yet to put me down. If he didn't have me in his hands I would be a complete mess. More of a mess than I am on some days. *wink*
I am so thankful for an ALL-KNOWING God that has everything already worked out for his GLORY!
It makes things so much easier to handle.


About a week ago, I came across this song, and now, everytime I hear it, it stops me from whatever I am doing so I can take in every word.
I want to cry everytime because of how much I truly believe God has All things in his hands and no matter how much goes on in the world, He still reigns and is not shaken.


I am so thankful for songs that God puts in my path at just the right time. I am so thankful he made music!

Encouraging Words

I have been waiting all day to make this post.

I was at church today, cleaning up after our MOM group, and of course, made my 10th stop to talk.
I was talking to Tricia, my Pastor's wife. I can't remember what started our conversation but I will probably never forget what was said next. I was just overwhelmed with encouragement after our talk that I knew I just had to blog about it and share it with others.

This is what Tricia had to say:

Ian and Calvin have Bible time in the morning, so after Cal finished listening to the Bible I mentioned that he should spend some time praying.

Cal: What should I pray about?


Me: Anything you want...


A few minutes later he had finished, so I asked him what he had prayed about.


Cal: I thanked God for Geneva and that she wasn't dead.


Me: Oh (trying not to sound too unusual), what makes you think about that? Is there someone that you are thinking about that died?

Cal: (Very serious and sweet) Aimee had a baby and she died. I think that would make her sad.

Me: Yes, I think so. Should we pray that God would comfort her and make her happy?

Cal: Yes (like that would be ok, but what he really wanted to pray for was...) and that she would have another baby.

Me: Ok, we could probably pray for that too.


And we did, and knowing Calvin he will continue to do so until the Lord answers.

Now, let me just say that this sweet child is 4 and when I realized all that his little mind comprehended I was just overwhelmed with joy.

I just love how today I was blessed by simple thoughts from a little boy who was talking to our GREAT GOD!

A God that can answer any prayer from anyone no matter what age.

A God that knows the hearts of all of us and knows when we are asking out of want, need, love or selfish desires.

Some days I pray this same thing but am confused about my true motives.

Reading the story might not sound like much but when I was told the story today I was just in shock that he thought of me and my little girl without any prompting.

I am amazed at how God is using Lilliana in so many ways.

Today, He was using her to show a small boy about compassion and concern for others.

Today, God was showing me that all it takes is child - like faith!

It doesn't have to be big ways, just areas that bring us closer to our ALL -KNOWING, LOVING, GRACIOUS GOD.

Another thing I wanted to add.

Sunday, before Ryan was finished speaking, He opened up the front to those who wanted to share about specific people in our church who have been an encouragement to them.

 Immediately, I thought of so many but, knew I would stand up and do nothing but cry as I looked out into the eyes of TRUE FAMILY!

I wanted to say how I was just so thankful for those who were right by my side as soon as I came out of the recovery room. Those were who at our aid for weeks and showed us love and compassion by bringing us meals and watching our children, cleaning my house and just coming by to see if I was ok. Those who helped us out enough so that Roger could stay home with us everyday this summer and take care of me, Luke and Olivia. Those who still come up to me and are bold enough to ask me how I am doing. NO. How I am REALLY doing. And If I answer quickly they stare me down until I look at them and try to give them an honest answer.

And today, I am so blessed by Calvin who cares enough to pray for me and ask that I would be comforted.

Only by God's Grace can these blessing be given to me and to that, all the GLORY be given to God!

"Thanks Calvin for praying for me! Keep it up! I am going to need it!"