Gentle Reminders

3 1/2 years. 

There are days that go by where I have to stop and think to remember the day that we lost a child. It's like an 'ah- ha' moment. Like, 'oh yeah, that did happen to us.' 

Then there are days where all I do is dream and try to picture our little girl running around and playing with her brother and sisters. Wondering what it would be like to have her here.
 We stopped by her grave just yesterday and as we left I confessed to Rog that I have times where I find myself trying to 'fill the space' of where her life would be. Times where I will donate a gift and instead of donating 4 I will donate 5. Times where I dream of adopting a child about her age so that our birth order stays the same. Doing whatever to keep her a part of our family.

Then there are days where I stop and stare at her picture to see if I can see her siblings in her. To see if by chance she looks different from the last time I studied every inch of her face. To see if I missed something from the last time. Looking at her and thinking of her as a 'sweet kiss'. 

And then there was tonight. I must say I haven't had a moment like this in quite a while. Dare I say years.
I was going through our family pictures and came across the ones of her from the hospital. I looked them over and thought the same as before. How precious she was. But then I opened each individual picture and saw one of her lying in a Moses basket. All alone. What seemed to be peaceful but yet I had a sudden urge to reach through the picture and pick her up to comfort her. Even typing this makes my eyes flood with tears that I can not describe. All I wanted to do was hold her, comfort her, kiss her. Maybe it is because all I have been doing these last 7 weeks is the exact thing to her baby sister. Maybe it is because as I was looking at her picture her baby sister was sleeping just as peaceful in the bassinet next to me. Or maybe it is because I just read an article today about a mother who was 20 weeks pregnant with her twin girls and did not want anything other than to abort them. A decision I can not begin to understand. 
I do not know why I had that instant urge to hold my little girl that has been gone for 3 1/2 years. That feeling  when you are dreaming where you go to grab something and you just can not get it into your reach or hands. That frustrating feeling where you feel every part of you wanting something so badly yet there is nothing you can do to get the urge to go away. So much so that it makes your body ache and you feel like you have been holding your breath.

It's as if I am being tempted with the thought that God does not care for me. That he is keeping something good from me. That he does not know what is best for me and my family because if he really did then I would have a 3 1/2 year old running around. I guess I am seeing that pretty clear right now because just about 2 minutes before breaking down over her picture I thought of Jeremiah 29:11. "For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The verse that carried me through the valley and the verse that puts a spring in my step almost every day. So why all of a sudden at that moment did I forget? Almost as if I forgot what my face looked like after walking away from a mirror. He gives me nothing but GRACE and as soon as I turn my head it was as if I forgot. Either that or it is a mother, longing to hold a child she once carried but every time she thinks of it, it is as if the dream gets farther and farther away from her reach. That or it is a moment that happens so that I can run to my Father, remembering all that he has blessed me with, thanking him for every moment and memory, because, for me, all of it is the absolute best for my life. Her short life and everything about her was the very best thing. FOR MY GOOD. Pondering on that brings me comfort. A comfort that only brings me the peace that my Lord can give to me. For that, I am thankful and excited to see what else he will teach me through the life of my precious Lilliana Grace. A baby that I believe was given to me to open my eyes to TRUTH. To GRACE. To LOVE. A love that only God can give.

3 1/2 years and I am still being taught through the same experience. All because there are moments when I forget.