Happy 4 Years with Jesus Sweet Girl

Another year.
If I could just step over the line and out of the curtain to see what it would be like to not be 'that mom'.
To not forget that I am part of the percentage to have lost a child at birth.
To have a shirt without the patch or the stitch to cover up the rip.
To have a paper without the whiteout mark or the walk without a limp...

To just have a moment to see what it would be like to know I had 5 children and know every single one of them. The moment to not wonder what all of their personalities would be like. To just have a moment for a glimpse of what her face would be like. To see if we would have stayed with three children or kept going. To be able to drive down our normal route without our children knowing their sister is just to the left where they get to run in the field.

If I could get to this day and celebrate nothing other than my parent's anniversary or a friend's birthday. To get to this day and not have to celebrate it to make some form of guilt go away.

To not have to put my thoughts down just so they can begin to make some sense.

However, my life is not about a bunch of 'if only's'.

It is about a plan.
A plan that is far greater than what I ever had planned for myself.
It's realizing that God never said life would be without pain or difficulty. It's realizing that through pain and difficulty He would get me through it. If anyone knows what it's like to lose a child, their ONLY child, it would be God. And yet He GRACIOUSLY gave me two before and two after losing her.
This plan was never about making my life amazing, easy, pain free or filled with precious/perfect memories. It was about making us see God for who he is. Amazing, Perfect, Comforter, Healer, Creator...

I often wonder what life would be like if I never prayed for God to use me before and during being pregnant with her. Would he have still done what he wanted and taken a child from me? Would he have done it to someone else to use in his perfect plan? Not saying that because that was my prayer that Lilliana died or that the prayer was answered but what if I never prayed that way? What would I have missed out on? Would she have still left us and would I have been left with bitterness and sorrow instead of seeing Grace, Love and Peace?
Would that have still been his plan for us without pouring out his comfort and grace immediately after losing her? Would he have caused me to be blind to his Love during a time of grief? Things I won't know until Heaven. But I do know I can be so thankful for all of the blessings because of Lilliana. So many examples to talk to my kids about God. Who he is, what he has done and continues to do for us. So many examples I might not have had if our family story was different.

Do I miss her? YES
Would I love to hold her again? OF COURSE
Would I do about anything to get a glimpse of her eyes? IN A SECOND
Would I LOVE to see her this Sunday sitting with her brother and sister in her 'big girl' Sunday School class while her Grandma taught her? (I just don't have the words to answer that one...)

4
Lilliana has been gone for 4 years and it still feels like the first one. To realize she would no longer be a little tiny baby but a big girl playing soccer, dancing with her sisters, making up songs in the car, brushing her teeth by herself, way out of diapers, still trying to sneak in our bed like the rest of her siblings, riding a bike... just endless activities that I take for granted with the others.
OH to just have her here for a day, hour, minute, second...

And yet it is for our BEST that we only knew her by her kicks, sound of her heartbeat and ultrasound image. Just months,days, hours, minutes, before our lives changed forever.

STILL LOVE YOU PRECIOUS GIRL!