My 3rd attempt at trying to figure it all out.

It's been 2 years.

I've been thinking all month.

Disturbed but not really knowing why.

Long nights, busy days and emotions that have kept me up for hours.

Parts of me feeling empty and lost.

Why?

Why when I still believe all I have said since 2 years ago.

God gives me only good things. And if what happened 2 years ago was for my good then I should be happy.

Thankful. Joyous even.

Interesting how easy it is to forget the good and find yourself wallowing in sadness and emptiness.

Why am I sad?

I think mainly because the thought of not having a child that would be at such an important time in her life has been so unsettling to me.
I have stopped and thought for many hours at just how old she would have been. Running around, trying to make sense out of her words and stories. Watching her try to keep up with her sister and brother. Thoughts of potty training, doing her hair....

I think what I miss the most are the possible looks I may have gotten because I now would have had a 2,3 and 4 year old. All the crazy looks while looking happy and letting others know just how blessed I am.

This has  been an interesting month.
Earlier this month I was at the park and up ran a little girl. After a few minutes her grandmother yelled, "Lilliana!" My heart melted as I watched the little girl play with Luke and Livy.

Later in the month I was at a Luncheon with my Mother In Law and while feeding Annelyse in the ladies room I met a mother with a child only days apart from Annelyse. While we were comparing stories, her other daughter walked in and saw Annelyse and asked her name. After I told her I felt it only polite to ask the other babies name.  Lillana of course. Again it was a sweet feeling that brought joy to my heart.

Gentle reminders of God's GRACE!

What would she have looked like, laughed like, talked like....
Like I said, so many thoughts that have been running through my head all month and has left me so.... I don't know.

I am so blessed to have what I do but I sometimes get lost and forget about it all when I let my mind dream of what I can't reach.

It's May.

Memorial Day.

And OH SO FULL OF MEMORIES.