ATTENTION: Before viewing this post, please be aware that some of the pictures shown might not be suitable for young children or those that will be easily disturbed.
WEll, 4 months ago today, we lost our precious little girl.
Wow! Really? 4 months already?
Last month didn't hit me as hard as today did! I must say I was thankful for today being filled with cereal messes, diaper changes, juice spills,washing little hands, wiping messy faces, tying of shoes, changing little ones clothes and all of the other ordinary day to day things that go on around here!
I am thankful for that because I was busy today and didn't have much time to stop and ponder on the fact that my precious 3rd child is not here with us.
Don't get me wrong, Lilliana was in the very front of my mind all day long, for the past few days actually, but the interruptions today were a bit helpful to keep me focused on my precious ones that I am in charge of here and now.
I miss her so much.
I didn't even know her other than her kicks, turns, heartbeat and comfort that an unborn baby brings but that was enough for me to love her forever!
I stop during my day to day chores and watch Luke and Liv play together and can't help but imagine what it would have been like for Luke to have two little sisters playing with him.
Would Lilliana been such a girly-girl? Would she have been such a girl that Olivia would have veered away from Luke's toys or would Luke win and make both of his sisters amazed at how fast trucks can go or how fun it is to burp and spit?
I am not sure but I would have loved to be able to sit and watch it unfold!
I know I can't change things. I am not even sure I want to because if I truly believe God, when he says that "ALL THINGS work together for the good of those that love him that are called according to his purpose," then I must rely on the fact that this is for my BEST, Roger's BEST and Luke and Olivia's BEST.
I am not saying these few months have been easy I am just saying I have to continually trust and rest in God's promises. If not then I have no hope.
Anywho. I veered a bit but that happens when it is late and I decide to write down all of my thoughts at midnight.
OK.
So.
I realized that I never posted any pics of our sweet girl.
I think I was a bit leery at first because by the time we took pictures, Lilliana had already started to turn a bit dark.
I am sure mothers that have gone through this completely understand, but I must say, I am a bit uneasy to show anyone who is not ready for this.
I feel I need to do it?
I feel though that because I am doing this, I am letting a piece of her go out in the open. I want her remembered as sweet and precious. Maybe for me, showing her as she was hurts me more than anyone but I am working on it.
I am not looking for sympathy. I don't want to be reassured that I have nothing to hide. I know everyone is different in their whole grieving process. I think,for me, I am trying to protect others from any disturbed feelings.
I am sorry.
This was the way God chose to show me my child. This is all I have to show to you.
You will always be my 3rd baby and my 5th pregnancy! I know you are now perfect and are happier than you would have ever been here! I see you everyday though. I see you in Olivia's eyes and Luke's smile. You have 2 wonderful siblings that keep me extremely busy! They will surely miss you too!"
7 comments:
Thank you.
Thank you for sharing Lilliana with us.
I actually cried. I cried because it hurts so badly to have to say goodbye. I cried because I wish I could share pictures Janie. I cried because I don't ever want to have to go through that again. I cried because there are many, many mamas with empty arms today.
I'll walk with you through every stage. I'll hang in there with you through every post, every tear, every picture.
She's beautiful. She's perfect.
Thank you.
Aim,
I love that you have finally decided to post pics of Lilliana. When I saw them today, I cried...cause I have a picture of her in my memory from that day, and it is as crystal clear as could be. When I saw the pictures, I realized that my memory has etched her in there exactly how she was--she looked exactly the same to me as I remembered her. I am so thankful that God has given me that clear photo in my head, because I think of her often...but now I can come here and REALLY see her anytime I want.
Praying for you, always. Thank you again for posting these. I love her and miss her too....she is sooooo beautiful.
That brings up some strong memories from her viewing. She is so beautiful. It's amazing to see what God's strength and only His strength can get us through. We are praying for you guys.
I'm so glad you posted pictures. She is beautiful!!!
The pictures are beautiful - thanks for sharing them. I'm sorry that we weren't there to see sweet Lilliana then, resting in God's hand in that as well. Love you guys!
I cried too!! You are so strong, she is so very beautiful and perfect and sweet.......
Thank you so much for sharing her!!
Wow Aimee...I haven't checked blogs in about 2 weeks. I am so happy you shared pictures of sweet, beautiful Lilliana! I pray for you often and esp. think of you at the end of each month! Praying for God's continual grace and strength each and every day! Love you guys!
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