Another Curve in the Journey

Today was an easy going day until noon.

That is when my doctor called me with Lilliana's test results.

I was just about to call the doctor to see if the results had come in yet when the phone rang and here they were.

At that moment I no longer wanted to know what had happened to our baby girl. I was content with knowing what I did and that it was all because she just didn't make it out in time.

Well, that is actually not true because these last few days I have been going over everything in my head and beginning to struggle with the fact that I don't have my baby girl here, in my arms to hold and comfort her.

My doctor was kind enough to call me at home and tell me the results before the weekend set in.

Are you ready? I still don't think I am ready to write this but Here I GO! (I have said that alot with Lilliana)

Now I am sure I will mess some of this up so when Rog and I meet with our Dr. again to hear it another time, I will repost anything I messed up.

Here is my version of what I heard.

Lilliana had congenitive heart disease. It was something called Tetralogy of Fallot. It is where there isn't enough bloodflow from her heart to the lungs. Not enough oxygen in her blood to make it?

She said the abruption was a separate issue to this heart problem. I still didn't get all the facts from that so once again, I will ask and repost.

I asked my doctor if I didn't abrupt would Lilliana still not have survived and she said that if she would have been born, her apgar score would have dropped immediately and she probably would have gone into surgery. She said she didn't know the severity of it to tell if Lilliana would have survived this issue.

It was right then that I laughed.

I laughed because it was as if God spared us once again and took her before we found any of this out or dealt with so many other emotions, to make it easier for us.

"AHHHH, It's all making so much sense now. "

My doctor also requested, if possible, that we get a chromosome test done to see if this is genentic. She said that if it is we can discuss what will happen if we decide to have any more children.

Of course, Rog was at work when I got the call so I quickly called, emailed did whatever I could to reach him to tell him what happened. I hated telling him at work but I had to get it out somehow.

So much has been running through my head since the phone call today. I can barely think or do anything else. My memory of my baby is coming back full force and has now changed a bit.

I have wanted to do nothing more today but cry. I don't know why but my emotions are just overflowing today. I am thankful. Sad. Confused. But still ready to see what else God has in store. He unfolds a bit more and more. Just enough for us to handle as we go.

Hmmmm.

I believe it is called.....

GRACE????