May 30th

This was a rather long day.

It all started for me back on May 29th.

Rog and I dropped off our kiddos at Jason and Heather Boe's. We swap kids once a month so we can have a date night and this night was our night.
This was a night that we were looking forward to for a while. We just needed a night out, (or maybe I did) just to relax for a bit and have some conversation time.

Our first stop was the hospital to visit Chris, Michelle and their new baby, Chase.
We were heading to their room when a nurse saw me and asked if I was going to need a room as well? I quickly said NO and laughed at her! I said, " I have one more month to go and I am in no way ready to have this baby yet!"
The nurse then said, " Good because this is not a good day for me to join them in the hospital. "
We both made sure that each one of us were clear in our agenda's and headed on our way.

After visiting with Chris and Michelle, Rog and I headed back out the doors but first headed to the ER to see our brother in law, Josh. He had gone in that day for some medical reasons and we were just going to pop in and see how he was doing. It was then that two other nurses from the maternity floor saw me, big and pregnant, heading out of the ER and told me that was no place for me to be and I did not need to contract anything from in there. Basically, they also said that they did not want me on their floor that night because they were so swamped! Once again, I told them that I was in no way ready to visit them either despite of the way that my body looked.
Rog and I headed back to our car and went to Chili's. We enjoyed our dinner and went back to pick up our kids so that we could enjoy a nice dessert thanks to my mother. Cinnabons were waiting for us!!!

Well, kids went to bed, and it was time for those yummy rolls but I was too stuffed from dinner so decided that they would be a good snack the next night.

1:30 A.M. rolls around and, of course, I had to get up to go to the bathroom. I quickly returned to bed and was dead out once again.

Exactly one hour later I popped out of bed, trying to hurry and rush to the bathroom because I was losing control of my bladder! (or so I thought) I was thinking to myself, "how much did I really drink tonight that I can't even control myself?"
After a few minutes of coming to and realizing that my bladder couldn't possibly be this full, my mouth dropped open to the thought of, "this couldn't be my water breaking? could it?"
I woke up Rog and told him what was going on and that he needed to check online the difference between your water breaking and peeing like crazy.
I called my doctor for them just to tell me that I wasn't crazy and even if I was wrong I still needed to go to the hospital anyways.
After calling my mother, and having Shanna come over to watch the kids, Rog and I quickly headed to the hospital!
NO WAY!!! I JUST TOLD THE NURSES THAT I WAS DEFINITE ABOUT NOT COMING IN FOR ANOTHER MONTH!!!! WHAT WAS THIS ALL ABOUT???

We got settled in a room after the nurses confirmed that this was my water that broke and we were beginning the process of labor!
Yea!!! A month early, we weren't prepared at all yet for this baby, we had nothing set up or cleaned, but, like I said this entire pregnancy, HERE WE GO!!!!
We were going to have our baby today!

Everything was routine and fine for about 2 hours after being in a room. We had an ultrasound to make sure the baby was head down and everything looked great. My contractions were getting stronger and this was really happening!
I got up to go to the bathroom and told Rog that he should just go back home, get our stuff together and take his time because this laboring was probably going to take most of the day.
He agreed and left.
I can't remember how much longer it was, maybe 30 minutes ,when I had to go to the bathroom again. I didn't really care because I figured that if I had to be at the hospital to labor, then I was going to get out of that bed as much as I could so that I could stand while having contractions.
I got up, went to the bathroom and realized that I was bleeding. I told the nurse and she acted calm but said she would check me to see what was going on.

It was then that all of our puzzle pieces began to come apart.

I got into bed and the nurse couldn't find our baby's heart beat. She checked for a few minutes, called another nurse, who called another nurse, and yet another. they had a heart beat but were confused and couldn't tell if that was mine or the baby's. They gave me oxygen.
They had me turn on my left side, then my right to see if turning helped the baby at all.
They quickly realized that something very serious was wrong and called in the doctor who was on call at the time.
After a few more minutes of the doctor checking the baby they realized that an emergency c-section was a must if this baby was going to have any chance at surviving. I quickly agreed and off they went to prep the room.
I felt bad and scared all at the same time.
Rog was gone, the nurses were panicking, and I was left there, on my bed, helpless and couldn't do anything to save my little baby.
The doctor told me that they needed to do this quick because it was as if our baby was in a pool of water with a scuba mask on and someone just cut of her oxygen supply.
I was trying so hard not to panic or act scared. I did whatever the nurses told me to do and I did it as quick as possible. I also started praying then.
What was going on? What was going to happen? "Lord, your will, Lord."
I tried keeping my eyes closed as much as possible just so I didn't have that scene stuck in my head forever. (Funny right? It's like a scary movie. you don't want to watch so you put your hands over your eyes and still look anyways.)
I heard the doctor say he wanted me out and the baby out in 3 minutes! They put a super tight mask on my face, strapped my arms down, got me all prepped and I was OUT!

About 2 hours later, I woke up to the sounds of sniffing and silence. I looked up at Rog who was now by my side and just shook my head yes, or no. All he said was, "No."
"Ok," I said, "OK"
Our baby was gone. No cries. No breath.
As hard as everyone worked they couldn't get to our little girl fast enough.

That was a hard moment but I had the Lord holding me at that moment. He gave me the grace I needed to stay going right then. I couldn't have done it otherwise.
So many other things went on right then. Pain from the surgery, confusion, nausea, and tears. More tears on the inside then what I showed because it was too painful to cry right then.

We got back to our room where it all began and instantly we had people come to see us. All day we had a room full of people who loved us and wanted to care for us.

They asked if I was ready to see our little baby and I said yes. She was just beautiful.
Dark hair, long, skinny feet, little hands and only 5lbs. 3oz.

She was just perfect!

I had her in our room for most of the day. Give her back? Not hold her forever? How was I supposed to do that?
The time came where I was able to let her go. She wasn't really here anymore and I knew that. She was safe, healthy and probably having a great time with our Lord.
Rog and I spent the rest of our night, crying, going over pictures and just being quiet.

Such a long day!
It went from rushing to curiosity to laughing and joking to excitement to scared to panic to sad to hopeful all in the same day.

I thank the Lord for that day! It's another story in our life. Another story that has God written all over it! Most of our stories do but sometimes they're not always that clear.
Now, we are on the next chapter of this story. I don't always want to go on but I am getting excited to do so.
I am ready to see what the puzzle looks like when all the pieces are together again.