Lilliana Grace

Today was...

Beautiful.

The weather was just perfect.

A nice breeze, perfect temperature and not a dark cloud in the sky.

Today was a long day as well.

Today was also my due date for our little baby.

I didn't realize what today was until last night and then, this morning, it hit me. I was supposed to be pregnant until today. Well, as far as the baby calendar went. Oh to have my little baby inside of me for a bit longer.

Olivia was 4 days past my due date. Luke was 3 weeks early. Lilliana came one month before her potential due date. I know I shouldn't care much about today because Lilliana was never going to be born on June 28th. Her birth day was always going to be May 30th. Part of me doesn't like to know the due date because it gets drilled in my mind that the due date is THE day and no other day is ever thought of.

Just like that. She was here, and now she is gone.
I know she is safe. I know there is no need to worry about her because she is in Heaven with our Father who loves her more than I could ever. I know that it is wrong for me to dream of her being here because if I truly believe that God is good and that He knows what is best for me, then I can rest in that truth and have peace about it all. Right?

I did alot of thinking today and not a whole lot of talking. I am sure that is out of the ordinary for me but I had a lot to process today. Probably not the best thing to do on a day like this but I was trapped in my thoughts and before I could get out of them I had to walk through them all. I don't even know if I finished, but I know that I had all that I could handle in a day.
We went to church today, went out to lunch with my parents and then went to the cemetery for a bit before heading home.
Let me tell you how weird it was to stop there with our family. Like we were visiting friends but instead going to a grave sight. I am sure this was one of the first of many stops for us. How often are you supposed to visit your child? Are you a bad parent if you don't go all the time?
If this were someone else asking me this I would definitely have all the answers. I know exactly what I would say. But since these are my shoes I am in, I am uncertain of my answer. Crazy right?
We were here for a bit, looked around while the kids explored some of the toys and cleaned up our area before heading home.

"Oh, Lilliana,

Mommy, Daddy, Luke and Liv love you very much and miss you every day. You are safe in our Father's arms and that is so comforting to us! We love you baby girl!"