Be Still, My Soul.

Today was probably the hardest day I have had to face so far.
It was a day that I knew I had to deal with but was really hoping I would just wake up and realize it was all a bad dream! I am not even sure my fingers can type out this next sentence.
Here we go!

Today was the day that my husband and I had to bury our precious baby girl.

Wow. I guess it worked but it doesn't make it any easier to read.

Lilliana Grace was born on May 30th, 2009.
She was 5lb. 3oz. and 19 inches long!

Here she is! Finally God has given me the small baby that I have said I have always wanted.
Luke and Liv were not huge babies but I always thought a 5 or 6 lb baby would be cute to have.
Don't ask me why but for some reason I have just thought that way.

However, this was also the day that Lilliana went home to be with our Lord.
We don't have all of the answers yet but for now all we think was that there was an abruption with the placenta. That basically cut off all air supply and by the time the doctors got her out, she was gone.
It wasn't because of something I did, something the doctors missed, or something that could have been prevented. It was just because that was what God had for our family that day.
In a way, I am so thankful God planned everything out the way that he did and not in a way that would cause Rog or I or others around us to feel like there was blame to throw in someone elses way.
God worked everything out just right and I am so thankful for His constant guiding hand and love through this deep valley.

This week has been long! The days have been hard but never once did I feel like my Heavenly Father left Rog or I for one moment! He has carried us every step so far and I know that he won't put us down for any of it in the days, weeks, months, years to come!

"OH how I praise you Father for your loving kindness, care, and goodness! Your ways are always so much better than my own ways!"

So, instead of dealing with the cries of a newborn because she is hungry or wet or cold, we dealt with our sorrow today of laying our baby girl to rest.
That was hard and not easy to swallow but I don't even want to fathom what this day would be like if I didn't put my trust in a loving and an all knowing God whose ways are perfect.
His ways aren't just perfect when I feel things are going fine but they are perfect in every situation and through every trial whether big or small! I am so thankful to God for that because without that I would be lost and without hope.

So maybe some of you think that my husband and I are doing well and handling this fine? Well, don't be fooled because eventhough I know my God is good and his ways are perfect, I still grieve over the fact that I can't watch my 3 children play together, I can't plan to take Lilliana to get her first month pictures taken, there won't be tired eyes from late night feedings, I can't rock her to sleep or see her first smile....My list could go on and on.
I will trust in Gods plan and know that He loves me and Rog and this plan wasn't just perfect for us but it was perfect for Lilliana as well. Why??? I have no idea but I don't need to know I just need to trust in my Heavenly Father.

" Thank you Lord for allowing me to not always know the reasons why. That just shows how great you are and how much I need to depend on YOU!!!"