SO MANY DIRECTIONS

As I said in my last post, my mind has just been traveling in twenty different directions lately and I am trying my best to stay focused. 

I feel as if my heart is trying to grieve while my spirit is trying to keep me focused on Christ, His love for me and remind me of all the TRUTH that has kept me going this year.

I want nothing but to reflect on this last year and remember everything about Lilliana and what God has brought us through.

 I want to celebrate her in a way that shows how GREAT, WONDERFUL and GOOD God is. I want to celebrate how mighty his Grace is and that it TRULY is sufficient!

So many emotions are just running through my head at a speed that just about exhausts me.

 I am joyful, thankful, happy, peaceful, hopeful and sad all at the same time. Not necessarily sad that God took her from us but sad in a way that I only have a dream of my little girl. Sad that I have only a small memory of her along with more thoughts that probably only make sense in my head.

However, I am joyful, thankful and at peace over the fact that, again, Lilliana not being here if for MY BEST and best for those that are close to us. I have to believe, and I do, that if my earthly father wouldn't do anything to harm me then my Heavenly father, my Creator, loves me so much more and can only do what is best for me. He makes that his promise! For that I am so thankful and blessed to know that Lilliana is where she needs to be and she is loved more than I could ever love her.

Sunday, I want to celebrate her short time with us but praise God for his grace, love, goodness, gentleness and all that has made my focus on Him to show how MIGHTY he is! My eyes have truly been opened this year and only by God's grace can he keep my eyes opened and focused on him through a time of loss! It is so easy for my flesh to stray from that and I am so thankful that on the hard days this past year I was able to cry out for help and I could rest knowing he was holding me and getting me through.

After all, Lilliana is His, was always His and I was just there to help her grow until it was her time to be with her MAKER!

I am so blessed to have been her mother for 36 weeks.

So, while dealing with the loss of a child, my mind is also wrapped around the two precious ones God has given me at this time to care for.

God has used these two to get me through my day and to cherish the time I have with them and not take them for granted. These children are the ones he wants me to take care of for now.

If that's not enough thoughts for one persons head, I also now have yet another direction that my mind travels in.

The care of this precious little bundle.

I have so much hope for this child and am treasuring every moment and kick!

Can anyone else see what I do?

God's GOODNESS is all over these three pictures.

I feel as if God is allowing me to pick up where we left off a year ago with the hope and dream of a new little one. He could have chosen for me to become pregnant in a month from now but he chose for me to be about 20 weeks when Lilliana turned a year!

He knows just what I need, when I need it!

Yes, I battle with the fear of this child having heart issues or me abrupting but fear is not trusting.

God is GOOD no matter what and if he chooses for this child to be with Him then His Grace will sustain! I can only treasure what he has given me at the moment and at this moment He chooses for me to care for a fourth little one.

So see?

SO MANY DIRECTIONS!

Please pray that during all of this I keep my eyes focused on Christ and keep TRUTH at the front of every direction that my mind is going in.

If I don't, I will be a pathetic mess!