I sometimes feel as though, when she left us, time stopped for our family. As much as I try to carry on, I feel as though I am just standing still watching everyone else go through life. Like our family is at a pause and we are just waiting for the 'play' button to be hit.
There are times where I think I am doing pretty well now that she has been gone.
Around the time she left us there were about 4 other babies born about the same time. For the most part, I was ok with most of it. A few issues I had to overcome but figured that since none of the other babies were girls I didn't have much to compare.
Until a month ago. A month ago it was as if the blinders on my eyes came off and I saw all the other babies her age, what they looked like, what they were doing and how big they were getting. For some reason, the older they get, the harder it is to not look at them and compare and wonder just what she would be like right now. Crawling, playing, laughing, pulling herself up and growing like crazy. I catch myself sneeking a peek at them while they are doing all of their cute baby things.
The scar I was left with isn't fading as fast as what I thought. As much as I didn't want the blemish in the beginning, it isn't bugging me as much anymore. In fact, it has become a part of me now and I often stare at the crooked line on my stomach. It really bothered me the first time the nurses changed my bandage and Rog took a quick glance and made the motions of what my cut looked like. His hand went in a wave motion that about made me sick. I had wished he didn't even look. I didn't want to know and I didn't want to face what had happened to me. I think I may have been a bit upset with him after he did that. I couldn't keep him from looking and didn't want everyone else to know I was bothered by it.
Not only did I have a huge cut down my stomach but it wasn't even straight.
I am completely fine with that now and like to think that God allowed that to remind me that he makes every crooked circumstance a perfect one.
It is just so weird to think that 9 months ago I was at home, recovering in so many ways. I would like to think that I am healed in every area but part of me doesn't think so.
I struggle with special occasions when my kids need to get dressed up and I go out to the store to buy new outfits for my them. I look at the adorable dresses and fight to not see if they have the same style of dress in 2 different sizes. Something that shouldn't mean much, but to me, makes it hard to shop.
I miss my little baby girl that would now be 9 months old. I miss how crazy my life would be right now. Right now, I would have a 3, 2 and 9 month old.
I have days where I think my life is crazy enough with two little children keeping me super busy and then stop and realize the extra chaos that another infant would bring. As much as that would make me pray for patience, I miss not having it.
Once again, I know my mind goes through all of these things, but I am so thankful that I don't ponder on them for long. My mind runs through a few of these every now and then until God steps in and gently reminds me just where my little girl is and why.
Because he is God. He knows best and loves Lilliana way more than I ever do. He has always taken care of her. He made her the way he did on purpose and was never trying to 'fix' a situation that went wrong.
She is safe, perfect and with her MAKER.
I am so thankful for God doing just what he did even during my hard moments.
It has allowed me to look at life in a completely different way. I try to not take Luke and Olivia for granted. I am thankful for all of the little moments.
And I now realize that it's not me deciding what's best for my life. I think I have the best plans, but now, when I am trying to make the best decisions, I realize that it's all up to my MAKER. The one who has the BEST, PERFECT plans already in place. It's up to me to realize that when I see a crooked line,something that just doesn't seem right, it's always God's BEST work!
8 comments:
Beautiful post...and oh, her sweet little head. Makes me cry with longing, but then what you wrote comes back and resounds, God's work is best.
Well said. You are so right about God and our babies are perfect and whole with Him. I just wish I didn't have to live a life-time of longing.
Bless you heart.
He does know best. As hard as it is for us. You are so wise to focus on Him. Beautifully put friend.
~that picture is my favorite. I have not seen it before. Its beautiful!! I pray for you daily my friend. So glad God's grace and comfort are there for you to grab and hold on to. Thanks for sharing your heart with us all! XOXOX
I love that picture Aim. As hard as it is to look at, I still love it. She is so sweet. You know I am always praying for you. Love you, and thank you for sharing all of this...I am sure it must be very painful to write about it. So thankful we have a loving, omniscient God who truly does know what we need, even when we don't.
So true Aimee. Even our trials are God's perfect plan for us at that time. That picture is completely precious.
Beautiful picture! Wow. Thank you for sharing your heart.
That is such a beautiful picture of you and Lilliana. I can't wait for the day we can join them in Heaven but want this life to count until then. There will always be days and reminders of our babies but you're so right- it's so important to remember that God is in control. Thank you for your uplifting reminder!
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