My Christmas Moment

Christmas.


Christmas this year was filled with so many different thoughts.
It was Liv's second birthday just 3 days before. I was planning her party, shopping for birthday and christmas gifts, trying to get everything done on time and without making it consume me.
Her birthday came and it was so great to see my little girl turn 2! I just couldn't believe it was 2 years already.


Christmas Eve came and spending time with family was such a joy. It was a full night at my parents house with the whole family before going home to gear up for Christmas morning.
This Christmas, Roger's parents stayed the night so they could wake up to their grandkids in the morning and watch them open up their gifts.
First we ate. Christmas breakfast has always been a tradition, while I was growing up and now with my husband and children.
After breakfast, we hurried the kids into the living room so they could begin opening their gifts.
This year was a crazy year for presents it seemed. I felt as if the kids were going to explode with the amount of gifts they were given. And that by just their grandparents! YIKES. It's a good thing birthdays aren't for another year!
The children finished, Grandma Nette and Papa took their turn, Roger and then me.


We were down to the final gift.


A gift, that of course, everyone knew about but me. As soon as Roger's mom made me stop opening the last gift so she could switch out her camera battery, I guessed as to what it would be.  In my mind of course. I do not like ruinning surprises.*wink*
I was given the 'ok' to continue and found underneath the wrapping paper was a necklace that apparantly was very hard to deal with.
Let me explain:

Since Lilliana has been gone I have been SEARCHING like mad to find a Lily charm. Not just any lily charm but the exact look a like of the flower we used for her Memorial Service.

 I have yet to find an exact piece that my mind is envisioning.

My most amazing husband has been listening to me for 7 months talk about this charm that just HAS to be out there somewhere!

So, what did he do? He searched online  to find it and went through so much stress to get it here by Christmas. He even told me that the one I opened was the second charm shipped out because the first one is still floating around somewhere in the mail.

So, of course, they were all on edge while I opened it.

I was so thankful! So thankful for this day, for my husband going through so MUCH to make my mad search come to an end, for the fact that he has had open ears these last 7 months while I told him what I would like to have to remind me of my baby girl and so thankful to look out and watch my children playing with their new toys...

 And right then.


It hit me.


It took everything inside of me to smile as I realized what was really going on.
I was watching Luke and Olivia play quietly as I was holding this precious charm  that was to remind me of my child that was no longer here.
Was this really happening?
 Why was I holding a piece of Jewelry in rememberance of my baby?
I tried so hard to be happy at that moment and be thankful for something that took so much work for someone to make me(twice), buy for me, keep for me, but it was a fight. At that moment, reality hit as I realized I was holding something that was to make me remember.
I would be lying if I said I didn't want to be holding my baby right then. Wondering what Christmas day would have been like. Watching her play right along with Luke and Liv. Us laughing and enjoying the morning by taking many pictures of all 3 children.....


...But.


I quickly came to and realized that none of that was true.


What was true was that our third child was never meant to be here this Christmas. I have said this before but Roger reminded me of this fact when I lost our first pregnancy in miscarriage. I was having a bad night and only wanted the baby I had lost. Right then, He told me I was never meant to have that baby and it finally all made sense. That is something I can't get out of my mind this time around and most days it is easy to say to myself.
Lilliana was meant to be here for 36 weeks and then no more. She was meant to have a heart beat, kick for a while, grow to full term and have health issues so that God could get the MOST GLORY.
It's not so easy to grasp all of that when all I would love is for her to be here instead of trying to find that 'perfect' charm that has Lilliana written all over it.
I would have to say that these last few months I have seen just how hard it is to continually FIGHT for what is TRUE, for what GOD'S BEST is for us and not get wrapped up in what my flesh tells me I should fight for.
My flesh is so very wicked and sinful and if I am not careful, I can easily get wrapped up in what I think I should have and what I think is best for my family and what I  think God should give me. After all, I DESERVE it right? NOT QUITE but my flesh seems to think so.
I am so thankful for a Loving God who knows just what I need, when I need it and for how long I need it.

Christmas Day, God gave me exactly what I needed and at the perfect moment. He gave me a husband who loves me so much that he would bend over backwards to try to find something I was so desperately searching for. He gave me family that was willing to stay the night and spend the morning with us so that we could make special memories this Christmas. He gave me two precious little children that do a great job at filling my mind with joy and keeping me occupied on what I have in my life that is true. And, God gave me a baby that does nothing else but show me God's never ending Love along with so many of his other attributes at just the right moments. Because of Lilliana, God has opened my eyes to how GREAT he is and to so many things that otherwise I used to take for granted.

So much to be thankful for during a moment that was filled with so many emotions!