Thankfulness/looking back

Our Thanksgiving weekend is coming to an end.
For our family, Thanksgiving week is a fun filled, packed week, spending nearly every day with Rog's entire family. It is usually a great week with everyone.
I look forward to this week pretty much all year long.

The other day, it hit me.

Last year on Thanksgiving, I shared the wonderful news that we were expecting our 3rd child.

I waited and did my very best to keep my mouth shut until this day so that it would be happy and remembered.
I even remember doing my very best to not let anyone see that I would get nautious if I went 10 minutes without eating.
 Ok.
 Maybe more like 30 minutes.

I could barely contain myself. I was excited, shaky and nervous to share this very exciting news.

Just writing this I am shaking and nervous just thinking about all of the feelings that were rushing over me. I couldn't wait to see the reactions on all of the faces when they saw the pic of our third child that was growing inside of me.

Three children in about 3 years.

Shock, excitement, joy and questions. That was pretty much what Rog and I got from our special news.

I was just so excited to be able to share such a wonderful blessing on such a THANKFUL day!

That was exactly a year ago.

I never even began to think of what I would feel like come this Thanksgiving.
As this week began, I all of a sudden, remembered what I did one year ago and the emotions of getting through this day was beginning to make me a bit overwhelmed.
I would think of scenarios of how to get away from certain thoughts or certain questions that might just come my way on this day.
I wanted to run and hide.
I wanted to get through this day without reminding a single person about what I shared a year ago. All I thought of was how I must not have thought it through to share such a fragile thing on a day that comes every year.
I didn't want anyone to remember what I had remembered.
That was my way of hiding.
I tried so hard to be extrememly thankful! I tried thinking of things to say I was thankful for just incase my dad started a conversation at the dinner table about what everyone was thankful for.
I wanted to say something that didn't bring up our latest trial.
I didn't want to make it a sad thing.
Of course,I failed at thinking up much other than our latest trial. My mind kept going right back to everything we have gone through these last 6 months.

Later on that evening all I could think about was what special news I had one year ago.
I tried getting my mind off of it but as soon as I would try I would see Luke and Liv being sneeky playing together and think of how great it would be to see them having fun with their little sister.
I would watch them think up new schemes on how to make another mess run with each other and think of how neat it would be to see Lilliana trailing behind to help with their little games.

As soon as that would happen, I would try to be THANKFUL for even having children at all. I tried so hard to remember my words on May 31st when I would tell those at the hospital that I was here to take care of Luke and Liv. They were the ones I was here for.
I so easily forget that when all I can think about is the child that I lost.
It is so easy to want what you can't have.

Well, I went through my day happy to be with family but a bit empty and feeling like a piece of my puzzle was missing and no where to be found.
I guess I am throwing a question out there to those who have lost precious ones long before I have.
Do you ever reach a point and feel as though your family is complete with all of your puzzle pieces?
Do you feel as though your puzzle is never quite finished or that the one piece that is gone is just how you are accepting your puzzle?
Kind of like my glass vase on my kitchen table.
I bought it, unwrapped it and realized it had a tiny chipped piece on the top.
I tried to return it but never found another one exactly like it so I am accepting it as  it is and trying to overlook the fact that it isn't perfect. I am treating it as if it were complete with nothing missing.
Make sense???

I am not even sure I make much sense these days.
After such a long week this was pretty much all I could think of.
Trying so hard to be EXTREMELY thankful but ending up lost in my thoughts about my little baby girl that I was so happy to tell about one year ago.