Now, looking back....

ATTENTION: THIS POST IS RATHER LENGTHY SO PLEASE BARE WITH ME AND I COMPLETELY UNDERSTAND IF YOU GET BORED OR QUIT READING IN THE MIDDLE, OR EVEN BEGINNING!


I have been wanting to write this down for a while now but just haven't been able to do it until now. I needed to do it soon because I feel as if my mind is forgetting certain details.

Soon after May 30Th. Maybe even that day or a few after, my mind began to recall certain thoughts that I had or things that I said during my pregnancy with Lilliana.
Thoughts or words that didn't mean much at that time but quickly became solid thoughts and words after May 30Th.

I feel as if they were thoughts that God used to help 'prepare' me in a way? Not sure, but I am not going to say that I just thought these things on my own as if God wasn't involved in every area of my life.

So, here is a list of the different things I pondered on during my pregnancy with Lilliana:

1) I was never anxious about having this baby.

Lilliana would have made baby #3 in about 3 years.
When I became pregnant with Olivia, Luke was just 5 mo. old and I was constantly wondering how I was going to manage. I recall walking down the stairs one afternoon after putting Luke down for a nap and starting to cry because I just didn't see myself with 2 children and being able to get them both down for a nap at the same time. (I know now that was pure silliness.)
This time I would have had a 2 year old(for about 4 mo.) a 18 mo. old and a newborn and I wasn't all that worked up about it like I thought I should have been.
I had said in all of my posts about our baby #3 that it was just a matter of going with the flow. "Here we go" was what I said numerous times as if it was no big deal and just one more diaper to change. No big deal at all. I was almost ready for the challenge.

2) I didn't have anything out and ready to go.

Along the same lines as above, I didn't have many fears of not being ready for this baby.
By the time you have 3 children in about 3 years and the 3rd is being born during the summer, you tend to realize that all a newborn needs is loving arms to hold them, a diaper and a onesie. (pretty much)
I was 3 weeks early with Luke, and didn't have a single thing washed and ready, so by the time I was 30 weeks or so with Olivia, I think I had diapers out and ready along with the pack n play.
I was 36 weeks with Lilliana and didn't have one single thing out, washed, set up or packed!
(I realize now what a blessing that was because it made it so much easier to go home from the hospital and start my life back up without pondering on all the things I needed to box up and put away)

3) What if I go almost my whole pregnancy and then something ends up happening to this baby and we lose (him/her)

I kid you not, that was an actual thought I had a few times during my pregnancy. I can remember one time thinking that, while I was in my room for whatever reason just going about my day, when that just out of no where popped into my head. It was almost as if the Lord threw that thought my way to just ponder on for a bit.
At that time it was only a thought. A quick thought that just passed through my mind without any real depth but something that makes so much sense now.
I thought that with Luke up until I was 15 weeks or so because of the 2 miscarriages I had before him. I never thought that with Olivia. Not even once, and then, out of no where, it crossed my mind during this pregnancy.

4)Watch, this time around I will probably have to have a C- Section.

I never really thought this at ALL with my other pregnancies.
I was the type that was against c-sections unless they were dead emergencies. I never wanted one and was always ready to face the Dr. if they were to throw this my way.
I also remember one day while I was going along with my daily routine that all of a sudden the thought of, "Oh man. I haven't prayed or thought at all about a c-section this time. I haven't even been concerned about this baby on whether or not he/she will be healthy or safe enough to have naturally." " I always thought about Luke and Olivia's delivery but not this one much at all. Watch, this time something is going to happen to where I am going to have to have a c-section."
I kid you not that was an actual thought in my head that I probably said aloud at one point.

5) I was not at all ready to have this baby here with us.

I know this sounds like #1 and #2 but it's a bit different.
I remember about the whole time I was pregnant people would ask if I was ready to get the baby out and have him/her here and I would always say, "NO WAY! I love being pregnant and the baby inside of me is so much easier to hold and take care of than for them to be out and then taking care of 3 little ones." I said this to a girl at church a couple different times towards the end of my pregnancy. I was not at all ready to take care of 3 'babies' even though I was up for the challenge at times.
Also, Rog and I talked about making this pregnancy the last so, because of that, I wanted to savor this pregnancy as long as I could just in case it was our last. I loved every, kick, heartburn attack and hiccup. Oh and all of the other little annoying things you go through during a pregnancy.

I feel like now, after being able to see the bigger picture, that this feeling was God's grace on me, allowing me to savor each little moment along with not being ready for this child because, if I was ready to have this baby and then end up with out a baby, I may have not been mentally ready for the disappointment. Don't get me wrong, I was disappointed to not have our little girl but this was just a little bit of grace God gave me to not hold on so tight.

And finally, probably the biggest thought that has made the greatest impression on my mind is this:

#6) OH to just have one more summer with only Luke and Olivia.

Yes, I thought this and said it many, many, many..... times. The crazy thing is that I thought this the very first time during the summer of '08. A whole year before everything happened we were vacationing in Wisconsin when I had this wonderful(probably selfish) thought. I told Rog, "Hey, lets not get pregnant for another year so we can have one more summer with just Luke and Olivia. Let's go on vacation next year to Florida. Olivia will be older and more capable to enjoy the sand and water and it won't be so hard to get them around places."
I just wanted one more summer without a newborn and then, come October of '08 and what happens? I become pregnant. Oh and when would I be due? JUNE 28Th! So much for our Florida trip.
Whenever I get strong ideas in my head something usually happens to where God shows me who is really in charge.

What is so strange about this thought was that I had it once before.
The very first time I became pregnant, I had just started subbing at Valley View School District and I just loved it! Soon after, I received a permanent position at a specific school and, once again, I recall walking down the hall thinking, "OH if I would have been able to just work here for one school year. If I could have just waited a bit longer so I could work here for just one year then I would be OK with quitting and staying at home with our baby."
What happened just a few weeks after? Miscarried and was able to work in the district for exactly one school year before having Luke!
Now, some may say coincidence but I see GOD written all over that! I am not saying he heard my plans in my head and changed his mind, but I do believe that a part of my thinking was maybe God preparing me for this loss and putting the desire to work in my heart so that I was ready to cope when everything happened?
My mouth dropped open when the desire of having one more summer with just Luke and Olivia came to be! Now, we never made it to Florida, Wisconsin, or the beach but I was able to spend every day of our summer here at home with JUST THEM and Rog and praise God for every single moment of that! All I wanted was a summer I could just run around with them and have fun and not be huge and pregnant or bogged down with a newborn and unable to be outside most of the time. I am sure that sounds so incredibly selfish but having a newborn limits many things you can do with your other children and mine are still really small. I never really got the chance to play with Luke alone and I just wanted that experience with Luke and Olivia. I felt, in a way, they needed all of me!
I do praise God for every moment I had with my family this summer! My desire of the summer was able to happen. Not thrilled with how I was able to get these moments with my children this summer but am still thankful. I was ready and prepared to throw that desire away after realizing when our baby was due but turns out this was the plan all along!

So, once again, I feel as if all of these thoughts were Gods way of preparing me for our outcome of Lilliana Grace!
That is just it! Gods way of giving me the GRACE to get through such a horrible loss!
I PRAISE HIM FOR IT and am so thankful for all of the ways he 'prepared' me!